Hello my name is Meghan Krueger. Im from texas but reside currently in Kansas. Dont let that fool you though Kansas or not life is not all farms and cattle… Know what i mean? Peaches an cream neither.
Many movies could be crafted from my insane life. I myself am a beautiful disaster full of magic an tragic adventure and wonder. I dont know maybe the world could benefit some from getting to know me a bit better… Not just me but my inner me.
My whole life i have been a writer…. I guess always bleeding with the need to express myself. Recently last year or so trying my creative mind to paint. I love to paint such a beautiful way to express much pain, love, an even joy. I mean what would life be without them? With no heart? Nothing at all I’d say.
Anyway world take it easy on me. I hope the majority who view this blog enjoy an relate even. Be kind take your time.
Here I tell the tale I was born to tell, the very too true story of hell.
One person, on one land, in one house, caught in a maze little mouse.
On more than just any ol dirt road in some name town someplace somewhere really getting nowhere.
Locked inside a state trapped within a blurred line country lost amidst one hundred and ninety-three others just like me only colored in variety.
All among each other we dwell with one another upon varied shaped continents suffering social disease of mindless madness and hostile blind, deaf, and dumb chaos.
oh my, it’s quite the Labyrinth isn’t it?
Similar dirt, equal Rock, and same sand all just land, more rock, and earth.
As well as family tied grass rooted in roots of a root along with other living roots all like the other rooted Roots living to live together for the sake of the other.
Together they face all adversity armed, shielded, and protected with their diversity.
We should be begging trees please teach me!
Homo-sapien species, race human, environmental impact on habitat a devastating catastrophe, effect on Earth severely damaging, greatest known threat to extinction… themselves an seemingly so with upmost intention.
Monumental monuments celebrate achievements of ourselves getting through moment-to-moment with a likewise yourself opponent.
Such a trying dying Ultimate Hard struggled all on our own struggle to accomplish such accomplishment.
Hear ye hear ye some jerk did so decree success as that one time we all recall that four fathers came and slaughtered Mother Nature’s Sons and Daughters in retrospect all for the sake of forsaken men that claimed my dirt is brass, iron, and decomposed Mass, but on the horizon Whispers long-rumored outlandish rumors that their dirt is fine silver and gold so much so that we can behold.
Then crossed an ocean with the notion out with the old make way for the new!
Dominate all insubordinate, infiltrate nurtured maternal Nature instilled borders and cross all invisible man made lines, and sever the ties.
Mapped out new America’s blueprint with innocent bones as pens, pencils and bloody stencils with coagulated blood red ink and grayed Dead lead.
Seems that men that bring death sure don’t mind the stink easy still they rest their head.
Rape his daughter kill them all in front of the whore then go kill some more.
Off with their head, hang em from a tree, stab them with a knife, anything just to take their sad little life.
That’s not even the gist of our infinite mistake.
Best not fail to mention the time when one man set off on a great Expedition seeking nice foreign treasure, herb, and spice.
One day while out and about exploring far away land he stumbled across a man so black he must be a beast plus his scent was different and the noises from his mouth seemed too much so to be gibberish impossible to speak.
Unlike anything spanish, Roman, European, or Greek.
Fear then inspired what was next to transpire when the other land man took his land Man by the hair an blade at his throat.
Animalistic he must be he gloats, analyzed mind assumed soon convinced by the feel of him.
Just to be entirely sure though bleed him out in his entirety check to see if he bleeds unnaturally.
Then build a fire, set a table, see how he tastes.
Flavoured similar to donkey or mule, fast like a big cat, strong like an ox, no less cunning then the average fox. Seems as though other land man had discovered the perfect tool.
He exclaims “My my what a grand addition to any barn or plantation”.
Then being only just a man who did not know if he could but thought that he should and was sure he knew white men really would.
That man then gave other men the order to round up these other men and herd them up like cattle.
Suddenly soldiers ready for battle stormed the land unexpectedly with lethal force and life threatening intimidation bringing much affliction on these foreign nature loving people their ill will strictly was enforced.
White men then cattle drive a nappy haired flock of black all just the same still other men.
A great shepherd led them to the boats awaiting at the improvised quick make shift dock prepared at the harbor.
Where together they then set sail across the sea toward destiny and abandoned our humanity to vacate the sanctity of humility and establish our white selves as a supreme almighty master entity.
My dear god May we hope that hope can float while we vanquish our tranquility thus allowing inequity to steal our integrity as we completely and unabashedly whip, chain, and lash as we fit accordingly.
All though most mistakenly did these men act lacking the capability of feeling the severity of such actions they did so believe in “the cause” preventing them to admit there ever so many flaws.
Factions did so decree good is slavery righteous and dutiful it is to employ and look after this lesser man of sort the inferior race.
Other land man introduced a work force of tall two legged wooless sheep with the self proclaimed claim that this new beast was rightfully his to keep.
He can sell among colleagues and many friends with many friends with more friends and them their friends too why hell enemies even a beast to do all work for me.
Kings and nobles shall thank me.
A great hero and rich I shall be.
Now European land man’s favorite pet aww poor little zero struggling strange peculiar smaller minded species allow the great Europe to force Great Migration and invent and instill Mass segregation bring about global tribulation and Cosmic violation all because one blind man failed to see Earth’s balance.
Its harmonious natural sequence of things, the natural order of all things that is all things. Like cause and effect and infraction and consequence doth not apply when it comes to the white and wealthy.
Then men even have the nerve to even ask anything at all let alone why.
Why he asks why does she storm tragic hurricane cry?
People just do not, can not, will not grasp the real reasons our Mother Nature keeps on changing almost as if she rages.
Either we must not understand or not even care to ask neither even then it might be explained nor let alone even wonder not even care to bother either.
Human either mindless Crustaceans such A vile wicked putrid fatal infestation or blatantly they refuse to comprehend Mother Earths capability to mend.
Foolish fool mama is not a tomb of many tombs or merely a cage of many cages, no you fool she is simply a womb, a womb of many wombs.
Atoms of cells within membranes surrounded by nuclei and filled by photons and neutrons with protons bombarded by electrons and neurons apart of all organisms forging biological mechanisms creating everything.
The point being more than just a nation in some country on some continent but a
planetary system in interstellar intergalactic alignment.
The bigger picture being here a world apart of many, like building blocks, cosmic lincoln logs if you will.
All part of our one vast advanced universe meant for so much more than the ill fated tyrant thrill for any egomaniacs will.
Do you not see its not just me or not just you. I am not just me but we are we, We Are One as it is to be, we are all thee for thee.
Its not you are yellow, brown, black, or white its we are mankind because we are the same kind from the like kind that once were of the light kind.
If that really makes you so angry surely self-imposed power do what you do like you have always done as im sure you will.
Claim this your herod hour and genocide me like an Armenian Jew, make of me a Conquered Romanian Grecian other you, just another enslaved Egyptian Hebrew.
Or is it rather now in this day and age to wrongly label native as one of India’s Indians and not just simply brother, wipe out tribes and terrorize the few left over.
Store them inside wired fences surrounded by one nations fierce defenses like saving them for later to savor the flavor of killing Geronimo ten times over while forcing Pocahontas to watch.
Manipulate the disassociated little foot to smoke big chief up then scalp grandmother willow so white power may take her grandchildren an sell them to the underground slave trade.
Child molester. national law maker. social protecter.
High society mammals of low grade.
Im a white rich man.
Honorable? What’s it matter. Law breaker? As many as I can. Deplorable? You damn right. Human rights? What’s that? Never heard of it. Deviant? No such word Im white.
Isis north pole atlatean korean.
An yet shockingly enough some still have the audacity to call the indian style seated earth loving peace pipe smoking indian sitting by his fire a savage and a liar.
Nigger please look again see right through you pass skin see him, see her, see me. Take a real good hard look all around recognize its not just me not just you, you see?
Lets take the chance to get to know ourselves a bit better that we might bring peace to one another.
Different races of different people with different faces from other different places with different towns and different churches with different finalized versions of truth that hold no proof symbolized upon their different Steeples of all you so-called different peoples.
The difference between invoked spontaneous vengeance and provoked premeditated retribution is the contribution leading up to a reevaluation of outdated mundane constitutions.
Besides with the substantiated indifference of Stars fallen on two legs given the oath sworn mission to end our own self-destruction and to tell the tale of histories mysteries I guess leaves us really rather screwed.
Don’t know about you but this leaves me ultimately so blue.
Behold people the truth long foretold as some sound the Alarm an warn all of the universal secret that is the consequence of a planets populist torn by difference suffering such indifference.
Never was a planetary people so blind to see that it ever even needed told it should just be a given, a common truth self spoken.
Congratulate ourselves my dear fellow beings we are now the first to close what is left open.
Know this it’s either rebirth or oblivion, non-existence Extinction or obedient children of earth listening and learning.
May just be our only hope we just might avoid Mass accelerated genocidal annihilation.
Judges and judged, powerful leaders of men, and average citizen feel our shared conviction.
We are all every single last one of us murderer and murdered, martyr or the already martyred at the end of the day at greatest extent of the cosmos all-in-one, one-in-all the same.
All of us with the same demise there is no compromise you can’t just improvise and devise an unsurpassed divide of questionable surmise while allegedly you theorize mankind’s mesmerized surprise of Supernaturally advised supervised Almighty wise influence of a higher than any man super power.
Created are we by our creator an yet we deny all out defy or even crucify any outgoing inspiring believed spiritual perpetrator speculating merely just imaginative spectator with prospector ambition and accurate intuition.
Ignorantly inquisition beliefs ignoring spiritual fact we act as though genetically impaired a forsaken side-effect an unaware accident despite natures beauty divinely compared.
As a infant in our evolution we pacify flesh like gods promise is the world’s first and only guaranteed one-sided pact giving us no part of our own in it or is it you must think its only a soft hearted pitiful ancestors little white lie left to comfort us as we die.
We must reflect on how we became Soddom, Gomorrah and babylon all rolled into one.
We must Rectify the abomination we become and accurately identify the needs of our home, ourselves, and each other including our mother.
Nature naturally should take care for one another.
Undisturbed the Disturbed natural order of all living things.
Restore Earth and all her glory and her Heavenly beings.
Our poor mother earths mother the moon witnessed said crime the entire time of brother against brother.
Evidence on the global scale as a hole in its entirety initially was at most circumstantial though on the worldwide stage of countries and Nations all such things most certainly entirely substantial.
Bear the weight of such inhumane action of us self-harming humans.
How heavy it is despite the many that share such burdens.
This must be why we continue in our efforts to commit Global suicide.
Contemplate going all at it homicide of a planet.
Little known fact that said punishment for said crime most certainly is certain death.
Like a galactic zit on the rear end of the universe remains only temporarily gone and forgotten erased and deleted all we ever were and will be.
As if a unheard whisper ignored by our Cosmos NGC-1232 wont skip a beat in spite of you.
All histories Grand Adventure man thought he made as conqueror of the most and power Lord host with the most.
Continue to do nothing allowing not hollowed ground to open up swallow us in make its bowels cave in.
We ain’t even Dust in the Wind space knows no such thing.
How devastating such a waste our own personal felt tragedy felt only just a minute the second we saw the end of it all coming.
How sad Heavenly eight bodies Shall be mourning for the time being.
Stars will Cry tears for only just a moment that fall upon nothing at all where earth once spent a century or two dying.
Dying to live yet living to die all done buy our own hand in denial steadily lying believing our own lie.
I’ll have you know once twelve million years ago you know Earth died Just to be reborn.
Labor has already thus begun and yet still we manufacture and store big guns contemplating suicide plotting out strategic attempts on worldwide national Mass homicide.
Fail to comprehend the fact that as long as we fail to act an all we contribute is the blood we spill and the graves we fill for the sake of being incapable to coexide side by side.
People of Earth we should be utterly admittedly and unrecoverably ashamed of ourselves but still we fight each other plot against one another use person’s for tools to take out the other.
Rebirth is on the bloody damn Horizon.
How do you not see your long dark night of damnation reaching its final end?
That pre-dawn Hue in the dusk should show the damned sun soon Rising!
For God sake man no way this could be our soul wish our true hearts desire our all out balls to the wall destruction by fire.
Forfeiting the restoration of our original creation our long lost forgotten infinite infinity.
The whole sole hole in our soul reason our long-lost divinity. Vile wicked wretched demonized beast we are a human being is no good thing.
My existence as one I wish never was.
I do not belong here.
Your country did the crime then that country paid the price to make it mine while this country does the time for the said Crossing of some fine line.
Arrogance and ignorance obscene violence and all out bloody chaos and nonsense.
So good for nothing we sacrificed that little delinquent Bastard Jesus!
We grilled a Divine steak killing a Divine cow and like kings we ate.
We beheaded all the cathar then took the head of John the Baptist and placed it at the feet of a worthless philanthropist.
Happily we sure did dine.
Delighted by death and sin.
Congratulatory Feasts even my God we really are beasts!
Set Fire to the wiccan.
Devoured all things Pagan.
An may I not forget to mention how we pillaged old Buddha into trifling with the Hindu to manipulate neptune to mess with zeus and his grand plan of desecrating Allahs kwanzaa to then instigate alleged framing of that Islamic wild terrorist rapist Muhammad.
All so mister big deep pockets ceo of nwo could then invade on their soil and toil with their oil and be justified in doing so.
Yet still we fail to think the much disgrace brought upon us and the face of the earth our mother.
You tyrant stupid arrogant psychosocialpathic holy Crusader false prophet!
Heart so blackened blacker than black night Kraken dark darker than dark skinned african that seeks out vengeance hiding behind that bloody cursed vatican.
We the people are the people who crucified people.
We multiply death by the thousands coming up with a sum of a million or more ways to die that equals the simple sad fact we kill each other sadistic in our way that one nation may rule the day so only they get their way.
Determined to hate are we
the people who do so here by declare we are not homosapien but an alien forged weapon of mass destruction the likes of any ever seen before aimed to make a candle of the sun when detonated to blow its light will no more glow.
Worse than cockroaches, crave more blood than bed bugs, feed on one another to fill our hellish devilish need for pain and suffering, blood and gore. Cowardly we Believe death to give power and more like worms it seems most at home in dirt, rot, fecal matter and decay.
My good God man! My Creator! My heavenly bodied divine eight! My goddess mother and my father God please I beg you to say I am wrong don’t just say it scream it make sure it heard by every ear! Make earth tremble and Quake in a show of her power and fear! Cut us down to size leave a scar that we remember! Smite Mighty self-proclaimed mighty world leading Nations bring them down a size or two hell even three but anything you must do to save us God please save me.
Thus our purpose restored our origin remembered our shared home one big happy soul family.
You, God and me.
I will never forget survivors will never forget God’s children we are each other our brothers and sisters Aunts, Uncles, cousins.
Respect our father listen and care we must for our mother. Coexist.
These here tell a very tragic telling tale of immense heart ache taking place right in the middle smack dab in the heart of America. It is one that drastically effects me, has damn near done me in and has forever changed me.
In the blistering heat of June 2015 a farmer driving along down a winding dirt road got way more than he bargained for on his way to tending his field when he stumbled across what seemed was someone in need of help. Looking closer though he sees sadly its too late to offer any sort of assistance except for a call to the county sherriff to report a dead body located in a shallow ditch apparent homicide.
Now the events that led to this point and what was to surely follow weave an extremly intricate, complicated, convoluted, and complex web with many people caught tangled within it. Most made it out alive. Some moved on an are now just fine. Few are effected by it daily. only one got any time and well others mainly me…okay… okay… only me are left zombified.
So what happened you must be asking… well to get to that we must go back a little futher to the beginning of spring 2014. I had just escaped my nine year hell of a marriage to the king of all things douchey in hopes for a brighter, happier more fufilling life. A life finally all my own… Coming from a very dysfunctional abusive, addicted, broken home it was very important to me that finally at the ripe due age of damn near thirty I find some much needed peace an contentment in my much opposing such life.
Secretly I had been infatuated with one of my life long best friends since the age of fifteen. Dated for a short time freshmen year we both had decided we were too good of a something to waste being a high school fling we chose to be just friends instead. I wanted her in my life so much longer than that. We had lived together like sisters her father taking me in being that my drug addicted mother could no longer handle the burden that was my little brother and me. We grew into adulthood together met stupid boys became wives and mommys even making eachother god mothers to one anothers children. Once even pregnant at the same time we gave birth just twenty seven days apart. Together we have five children. Me, two little beautiful girls, her, two handsome boys and a beautiful girl.
Over the years a few boundries were crossed confiding and seeking comfort within one another. We were both stuck living in an uncomfortably comfortable hell with two men cut from the same cloth just different sissors. I dont care violent strikes leave bruises, i’d rather that than the anguish of the scars from sexual, mental and emotional abuse. Her and I both had lived years oppressed, sad, suffering, hardworking, and dedicated wives to narcissistic men keeping one another intact through a phone no matter how far apart our lives would take us at times. Till I had finally freed myself from my ball and chain I moved closer to her expecting soon she would be sure to follow. Just giving birth to their third child and caught in the throws of his grasped tight mental chokehold she of course much hesitant took her time doing so. But before her flying the coop we made the mistake of jumping the gun one cool clear april night that spring just months into my new found freedom. Alone in the dark we were both overcome by years of built up attraction, passion, hopes and dreams but most of all that perfect possibly dangerous amazing thing it is to fall in love with your most very best friend.
Now whats this have to do with murder you might ask??? Affairs they happen, millions of people everyday make this same mistake right? Cant be that bad… Right??? Wrong… Maybe if people realized the intense danger and furiousity of the human heart we would be more cautious an not so careless when it comes to handling one.
Awhile goes by an as things of this sort usually tend to go our indiscretion that took place in the dark comes into light. Of course all hell breaks loose in my best friends already existing hell and the devil of that hell is on the war path and most certainly ran her soul, heart and mind through the bloody ringer. An by that winter he’s sleeping with her sister all under the same roof. Right out of a bad marriage herself full of devastating mental abuse and at times physical abuse along with her four children. After my best friend had taken them in nursed her big sister back from heavy drug use an extensive domestic violence. Growing up once upon a time the eight of us had all been friends most of us before relationships ever even evolved that led to the three young families involved all falling apart and breaking down at damn near the same damn time. Pain, betrayal, distrust and trauma seemed everywhere you looked. For those inside the eye of the shit storm I’m sure each heart broke the same except the tender well guarded heart of my most favoritest lady. After all my vibrant strong woman had been through her heart defeated her head and her head silenced her spirit. I tried so hard to keep her together even though I was trying to rebuild me but that wasn’t something I could do and she battled every element struggled in the throws of it till finally she buckled beneath the weight of it.
Now sometimes we as human beings no matter how decrepit we are in general, as individuals there are some truly golden hearted and genuine people out there. Even more so toward ones we love most especially when it comes to being in love. I’m telling you what right now, if you don’t already feel sorry for the few once in a blue moon, diamond in the rough hopeless romantic already…. well you should. Come on now hopeless is half the label already and rightfully so it should be. Pathetic romantic shmuck! Hey I’m only kidding besides I well earned my right to say such things trust me. shmuck no hope my name, pathetic cornified romance is my game. Oh wait now what’s this folks?! Ten seconds left on the clock in the fourth and final quarter of the championship game! She blocks pass, coming up fast steals the ball from Jordan! Wow did you see that folks! Lil bugsy really stepping up his game this last quarter! Lightning fast dribbles down court she comes in going for the kill sliding right through Shaq and Kobe she flies through the air…. she shoots she scores!!!!! The underdog wins!!!! If only it had actually worked out that way but I’m no pro ball player and well, life even though most play treating it as such, life is no game especially not a final four championship game. (sad face)
Now a heart of gold though doesn’t mean your not capable of being a royal ignorant jackass of exceptional epic magnitudes of course. Though I wish that were the case. Being best friends first above all else she had me no matter what even when she pushed I would pull, when she screamed I said roar, when she cried her tears like fine sharpened little knives sliced at my vital organs killing me inside. Watching this wishing the worse death on the cause of her pain even if it meant my dying too. I loved her so much so in every way on every side. I wouldn’t just take a bullet for her i’d take a nuke to the head for her, i’d take a bolt from Zeus himself for her, id take the cosmos and squeeze it so tight to fit in the palm of our hands where I would then compact and mold it to the brightest most finest priceless gem no eye had ever seen before calling it a diamond would only be a shame. So I could then place on whichever finger she so wished something sweeter than the moon and brighter than the sun.
All I ever wanted was the very best for her and the kids. All I did was whatever it took to make her smile even when I knew it was a bad idea or not. But, man I will tell you what that first night getting high as we finally found ourselves experiencing our first whole night together as two full grown broken or not women it was more than just the drug we were high on. We were swept up soaring among clouds in our new found freedom, we had couped up too long wings in need of stretching flying high on life, and we had cupid bound and gagged for always fucking everyone and everything up. We took his bow and borrowed his arrows then faced each other sharing a fateful sweeter than most kiss and stabbed each other puncturing our veins injecting way more than just the already pumping through every bit of us love that is us that had torturously imbedded and worked its way all the way in past flesh and bone. How two good women that thrived themselves on being perfect mothers full of strength and pride from carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders the last decade ever came to know methamphetamine so intimately as to let it joy ride in the currents of our blood stream I will never know. We thought already we were invincible for each other we had really been super heroes over the years I guess we thought we were too strong for it to never get us.
We sure as shit turned out wrong. But my god it had been the most amazing night of our lives thus far at that time. We giggled like school kids sneaking kisses on the cheek under the playground. We painted a picture perfect future starring the big gay Brady bunch. A total masterpiece by the way. We surpassed every expectation and exhausted all our countless nights of built up anticipation. Locked in a room all weekend no matter the room the cabin fever can get to your head the same as jail. Her and I on the other hand locked in a room all weekend was heaven with a do not disturb sign on the gate. Exploring each others minds, hearts, and souls the most exhilarating adventure since Amelia Earheart circled the earth in one hundred and eighty days. Except for if I was Amelia and my baby girl were the world I would have slowed down to notice all the small things and stop and smell every type of rose, which I did. Her body was wonderland and I fell harder than Alice did down the rabbit hole. I struggled against time like that always late rabbit chasing away ghosts stuck in the past. She made my head swell bigger than the red queens as I tried forging a kingdom through the wreckage of a collapsed house of cards. She drove me madder than the mad hatter while enticing me through every whirl of smoke exhaled by that stoned caterpillar and she whispered all the secrets of the universe in riddles like the floating in and out Cheshire cat playfully chasing dreams in an elusive game of tag among clouds.
Months after months of all the previous an continuous back an forth on all sides at every turn from every angle by each of the parties involved. It was fuck you one day an the next we gotta try an make this shit work for the kids as if people were boomerangs an you could throw them away as far as you could an they’re just gonna fly right back. Forced to turn around an fly back because they were shaped and made just right to do so. Till finally swords had chased her off the plank she could have chose for herself to walk. All my relentless persuading of please for the love of god jump ship before it sinks made me just another annoying tug boat rather than the safe harbor she had once dreamed. I gave her not just my best, I gave her all I had. I did everything i could, I did all that one should plus some but just one thing I never ever should have done. A fatal mistake I made again and again just trying to make her happy… I only wanted to see her smile again thats all. I allowed the devil in “Having fun”. Little I knew the devil had always been there waiting for armor to shed. Eventually that nurse in her that called her to a medical career was drawing up a syringe to self medicate an aching broken heart. No fun at all it turned out being… at the moment loads of fun a ton of it. Further on down the road though a new firy burning hell was lurking awaiting us both just around the next bend. Never had I beat myself up more for a bad decision as I did this particular bad choice. It was jet fuel to a already raging doused in gasoline inferno incinerating all of life as we ever knew it. Raised by drug addicts I knew better, shit we both did. Like lions born in captivity we were wild being shadows so long for thing one and thing two walking there steps as if we too fit their shoes. We were babies in the daily life of independent individuals trying to take off running not even knowing how to crawl.
Continued on going back an forth on all sides excluding mine led to an unusual uncalled for intense outburst from the father of my best friends children. After three months of shacking up with her sister playing uncle daddy an auntie mommy and becoming a league all his own, the lou Gerrit of mind games. He busts through the door of our home with a forty five in his hand pointed dead on my head while dropping off their three young children. My six year old down syndrome god son was standing right there in the middle among the chaos. My best friend boldly stepped in right away grabbing his arm forcing it up getting me out of the sights of his gun pushing him back through the open door. After his prompt arrest my friend glowed with freedom she breathed sweet relief as the weight on her shoulders lifted thinking she could rest easy awhile… Atleast a little bit. Little did we know three hours later he would be free again crushing her under that weight of the world crashing down back on her already weary tired shoulders.
The folIowing next few days due to certain counteracting circumstances literally pulling me apart I end up forced from the situation. I race frantic down that lonesome highway between here and there… between her and I as fast as i possibly could putting as many miles between her and I… Them an just me I can get a minute cause every centimeter second counts. Back on my side of things from first foot on the ground things go from bad to worse. My mom while having my two little girls over the weekend hearing about the gun incident she hands them over to their father. (My like i said king of all things douchey ex-husband) Saying my life was in real danger my children were no longer safe with me. He says prove your life is no longer in danger and you can have them… How is it you suppose something like that get proved? I had no clue.
I ran away to get lost on dirt roads. After countless hours and a tank of gas I’m crippling under loosing everything in a day and maybe almost my life. My kids, her kids, my home, a job, finances, friends you name it I had lost it. The life I had led up untill now had mutated parts of me creating an alter ego dubbed my hulk that would flip into what I called hulk mode. Maybe the fact that I like a solider comes home from war I had stepped out of my adolescence with chronic ptsd. I don’t know but man thats not me it cant be… sure dont want it to be. Its not me dammit!
For years I struggled keeping this thing inside me under control but at this moment in time I am completely cumbersome with my monster within taking over my skin. I had given up the hulk can have me all I had fought I had nothing left to fight off hulk. If anything were ever to take my life might as well my monster be the one big, bad, and brave enough. Maybe then everyone would know I truly was a warrior, I had once been a hero, and I lived everyday in battle and died defeated only by a monster I could only destroy by demolishing myself. Utterly defeated my hulks got me now. I rawr my mighty hulk rawr till my voice is merely a whisper, beat my self up literally with mighty fist projected by overpowered temper. I beat the shit out of big bertha (my ford freestar mini-van) till everywhere dented an my fists bled. My incredible hulk mighty as he even ripped a tree out the ground like it was nothing but a baby bush. Not a full grown tree or nothing but way on its way to maturing tree. Still though shocked me the domineering power of this thing that lived deep down inside of me. I let as much as would go out in a violent homicidal blind rage and cried out in heart wrenching pain.
No way this is what i am. Despite my rough past I’ve always held a good head on my shoulders. Doing whats right and making good choices or atleast trying to was always my intent. How I had grown up I held myself in conviction to a higher reguard than others. Most importantly a crackhead may have raised me but no addict i was never gunna be. But life kept throwing me blow after blow after bloody blow. My heart begged my head to say fuck it and find my nearest flop house to kick back and inhale but I refused to move.
A whole day has gone by now on fire fueled with raging agony on some field in no mans land hulk finally goes to finish me off with that final fatal blow. Hulk slamming a hundred tab tens chased with Jaeger that I had packed in all my stuff that filled the back of my van. When all the sudden god himself steps in denying my right to suicide. With one word gave me complete lasting control of the thing inside me God said “Humble.” I thought being introduced to god most my life by my Lutheran paternal grandparents, my Baptist maternal grandparents, catholic childhood friends, my Pentecostal ex- husband and the non- denominational I personally preferred I was pretty sure I had met God a time or two before. Truth be told I had never found God before till this day. I guess because even though I had looked where people perceive to be right where to look. Actually I had spent my whole life looking in all the wrong places. God had plans for me so it was only right he finally meet up with me personally. Secluded enough to see and vulnerable enough I would genuinely continue to seek God as long as I live if it were finally quiet enough I ever actually caught the slightest wind of a whisper uttered my way.
God or not though i may have stopped trying to die for that moment but still when life is at its worse and you followed your heart all the way to rock bottom I guess why not might as well be stupid huh? I chose to finally drive back to reality but my first stop was to get high an no not for fun this time it was because for the first time I felt I needed to. So thats exactly what i did got so high maybe i’d come down in a couple of days and i wanted to count how many it took to get to the center of the crash and burn.
Attempting to still fight the good fight though I make a last ditch effort and along with my best friends sisters ex-husband expose all of the dirty secrets of her ex an her sister. With it all out in the open a violent confrontation takes place between the two sisters and the douchebag caught in the middle. My friend kicked ass, took names and walked away with a bruise or two but that was only what was on the outside… Inside no such mercy. she is shattered by the lie of the life she believed in, blindly denied and more so than ever now impossible to ever be anything like the pretty little picture an inspiring young woman and pregnant first time mother once created in her head as a model to bring the vision to life.
So whats my best friend go and do? Get high too… She goes and picks up this vetran addict that ran the streets of town we had once or twice purchased from in her peddling drugs to feed the insatiable habit that is methemphetamine. Ten years older the years a tad bit crueler due to extensive using it was the constant supply that had drawn her in. The lure of a rig loaded with a gram. My friend got so high I thought she might really never come back down.
After a month or so when shes not brutally pushing me away she’s gently pulling me in. Everyone worried sick about her everyone it seems except her ex and her sister steadilly bumping might as well be related to uglies. As the days pass more and more a stranger she becomes even to herself. From one abuser to the next she goes except this abuser now clouded by dragon size puffs of evaporated deadly chemicals armed with arrows that shoot through her veins inflicting what it can on an already broken heart withdrawing deeper within each plunge she goes. Growing cold and callused. pulling her back further and further like a bow to deadly needle point arrows.
In my attempt i come and go but I’m just starting to get somewhere in my endless effort of trying to get my shit and keep it together. Working hard, good pay, visits with my girls every weekend, laying off the drugs, and seeing someone new. A beautiful woman that had been there for me that was fun, lighthearted and easy going. Like a tourniquet she stopped my inevitable bleeding out. There was no other way… i had to fix me and i had to save my best friend anyway possible there was no way i could live with the guilt and regret. With me or not i never cared she just had to be okay. A peculiar undescribable relentless unconditional love and genuine care it is for a best friend/soul mate. The best and the worse, the joy and pain, and lifetimes of smiles and tears.
After a crazy abusive violent roller coaster of a month and a half fling she moves on to the next abuser and possibly the worse. A twenty two year old young man named john. Leaving the last lover stalking through the dust in the wind to find her. That dark companion hell bent on claiming her being Mary. Already between all parties involved this all was a total shit fest, shit hit the fan, shit splattered all involved, and like monkeys in a cage we flung it around till no surface remained clean. nine adults, three young family homes, nine children and dozens of family, friends, citizens, communities, and law enforcement heavily impacted and so many lives forever changed… even gone.
John maybe weighed a hundred pounds wet but meekness could be witnessed in his every action if one took the time to notice which of course given his small stature, grungy clothes and slim shady hair cut not many ever cared to. My twin flame on the other hand though her big brown eyes see everything, her mind a constant process of observe, analyze, contemplate because unknown by her I know she believes conclusions are illusions. There is always more to than what meets the eye coming to conclusions is merely judgments sharpened and more than defined. In this man she found a friend another dark companion to take the wheel in her place so she could process and over analyze and re-evaluate everything as she knew it. intoxicated she was anyway by relentless blunt force trauma to the mind, body, heart, and soul. Who needed drugs right we sure the fuck did not… but at some point I guess that changed to. That’s maybe the best and worse part about demons them mother suckers will hold you when no one else will. Even though I would have, I could have, and more than anything wanted to. My twin flame ran away from me slamming and locking doors behind her as she went hiding from the mirror reflection deep with in our souls. She found peace at first living in the dark seeing became too painful and feeling…. well to feel…. that would surely mean dying.
Fearful of hell bent Mary who wasn’t all that much bigger than John she clung to John for comfort and security. Starting off only friends through his overly helpful ways and caring for her children he gained her trust a relationship began to develop. With every crazy stalker like stunt scary Mary would pull it pushed my best friend closer in the arms of John and him of course reassuring his promises to protect her home, herself, and her children anyway he could. I know we all sometimes and some point could use that somebody there to tell you everything will be ok but more often than not its that very person who ends up making it all definitely not ok. For three short long chaotic drug numbed weeks she knew this man, let this man in her home, and in her vulnerability let this man take the wheel of that metaphorical vehicle we all drive through life. As days pass more and more estranged she seems to become from me as I try with all I had to pretend I was fine and rebuild my life.
Finally one day she begins to reach out to me. I end up traveling down that long highway once again to be there for her. This time someone had called child services and they were coming to inspect their home and she wanted my help and I of course was more than eager to offer my assistance. I am under the impression that it would be just her and the kids home I even stated any weirdos there I would throw them out otherwise I wasn’t going which she agreed. I thought finally this is it everything I had been hoping and praying so hard for was happening my best friend was coming back to herself again and she was gonna be ok god knows I wanted nothing more day in and day outing had worried myself sick for I had prayed so hard for her and the kids I had forgot all about praying for me. I arrived at her door awkwardly knocking knowing that this woman is the love of my life and in a world where I ruled and had things my way I would be… I should be…. Coming home walking right in and greeting my long wished for family and her welcoming me home with a sweet kiss and a warm embrace. Instead I stand there like its not as heart wrenching as it actually is and wait for her to come answer the door and let me in. She opens the door and my heart is pounding out of my chest, the butterflies more like mighty eagles souring all in, around, and through me I swear I very well could have stood there glued stupid vomiting at her feet but as I look upon her face and gaze into her tired eyes I see how lost she was and as any best friend would do start seeking to find her like the most fucked up, intense adult version of hide and seek. As I step inside there he sits on her couch thrown off by this fools very existence I’m like who the hell is this dude??? My best friend says “oh that’s just John” grabbing my beat a tweak stick I start to tell him leave him and my best friend insists its ok, he’s fine, he’s been helping, he’s great with the kids, there’s nothing going on, they’re just friends, calm down, and proceeds to introduce me to john. Of course I did not like him from the start and I can assure you now it wasn’t just jealousy or trivial reasons behind my strong disliking all though I’m sure there lied deep beneath my new found humble existed well defined undertones suggesting so. More than that though the dude just struck me odd, gave me a bad feeling and I just knew this fool was trouble. The next day even cemented my concerns as he tried so diligently to convince me till he was blue in the face that he was a good guy and he was ok for my best friend and her kids desperately seeking my approval. Finally so annoyed at his pathetic relentless attempts I say “look dude I dont care what you say… its wwha your made of that counts and from where I sit that dont look like all that much so you can quit talking now no matter what you say it dont matter good people dont feeel the need to convince others they’re good they just are. So the more you sit there trying to convince me your good the more I dont believe it.”
After awhile scary Mary was out and about high out of her ever loving mind and up to her stalkerish shenanigans again. She is obsessively texting my best friends phone all sorts of craziness for the sake of my best friends attention. It goes from offering free drugs to she has been taken hostage by the mafia and they’re gonna kill her if she can’t come inside my best friends home to retrieve the pound of drugs she had supposedly stolen sometime ago and had stashed them in the house. All sorts of nonsense kept flooding through the phone as Mary Ann tried absolutely anything and everything to get whatever it was she thought she was wanting out of my best friend. I then saw John get ridiculously and excessively outraged at Mary Ann’s ignorant outpour text after text. Where my best friend and I just laugh and criticize John yells and punches the floor. Where her and I discuss options of eliminating all contact and using local resources to put Mary’s disturbing nuisances to a stop rationally and sensibly John wanted to catch up with her and hurt Mary to teach her a lesson to make her stay away. Honestly I gave it some thought myself roughing her up and kicking her ass for all she had put my best friend and the kids through. Mary loved drama lived to play sick little games in a mind stigmatized by drug trauma, mass dedicated sleep deprivation, and fried over stimulated dopamine receivers in her scrambled egg of a addiction suffering brain I imagine this stimulating chaos was probably needed or craved. Later that night we caught Mary messing with the kids through there already boarded up windows thanks to Mary scaring the children. John and I quickly scared her off where later she somehow managed to hack our phones causing all three to shut down as if they had dead batteries despite the fact they were all three plugged in charging across the room from we all sat. Its safe to say that I’m sure we were all feeling a little uneasy just wishing she would stop move on with her life and go away.
That next day I packed up and headed back home. The protection order on my best friends ex was being lifted and the gun toting alcoholic redneck would soon be on his way and nobody wanted another repeat of what had happened last time the two of us had crossed paths. Of course I should have known I would inevitably come to regret ever leaving that day.
Just when you think things are about as bad as bad can be it always seems to have a habit of getting worse. After my reluctant departure my best friend found herself
If asked what it is I fear… Immediate reply would be snakes. Considered by myself and others as fearless for the most part except for at just the sight of a snake no matter kind or size I deeply feel dread and disgust take over my usually light shining being. I’ll take on spiders, bugs mice and other pests easily I can ignore like hey dude don’t bother me and I won’t seek to destroy you. Rats are gross but other than a case of the heebie jeebies nothing quite deeply disturbs me as such as serpents besides the dark forces I know exsist among me.
Growing up in South Texas reinforced my natural brain ingrained survival instincts that I can’t even bring myself to touch the common pet snake. Which still perplexes me as to why they were ever considered pets…. Nothing about them at all seems to communicate any sort of urge to touch or pet let alone exist amongst them sharing my space of existence right along side one another or even caring for that creature if it were hurt as I would care so much if it were bird or beast and everything else. An believe me I care very much so for all excluding the serpent. Beyond instincts maybe a phobia but my soul literally will tremble out of my skin. An the feeling seems mutual snakes run and hide from my presence like I ligitimently chase away serpents from me. This point proven time and time again as I hike my river and literally see snakes flee before I’m even down off of the forty foot cliff side of the valley my river runs through. On a daily basis i can be found hiking and meditating at the beautiful section of my river adourned with waterfalls, wild flowers, berries, butterflies, and sadly on some days filled with many serpents. As much as I despise them they dispise me just as much I see as they flee from me or hide but don’t seem to avoid others quite as much as they do with me. Fine by me my avoidance completely mutual.
I have no rational reason or physical world idea for why this occurs I just know it does and so do the people close to me.
When thinking of that retchid, horrifying, nasty limbless slithering reptile we tend to think bite, pain, poison, venom, fangs, whole consumption, death, Adam and Eve, deception, devil, hell, banshiment, judgement, punishment, and convoluted tales outnumbering the scales all the way down to their tip tails.
Walking a spiritual path all my very own the path far from straightened, smooth and spacious like a highway or road or even trail it’s called a path for reason. Curvy, narrow, rough, and difficult to travel a spiritual path is supposed to be. One comes across many obstacles, detourants, and seemingly impossible challenges and filled with daily forks, dead ends, and contemplative u-turns at times even an attempt to abort mission but your soul won’t let you. Approaching a serpent on your narrow treacherous path can lead to straying an getting lost and forced paving another path hoping you can get back on track or worse you loose sight of your souls mission and leave your immortal soul in the hands of mortal flesh for however long it takes for a way around the serpent or the extinction of.
In my journey of knowing my souls purpose to transform from deep within all the way out through and through transformation. Which one day one by one I know will lead to transforming this whole world.
Like I once a thousand years ago was born a caterpillar but after a few hundred years it went dark so dark I couldn’t see so I could not see the darkness envelop me then confine me then I could not move. Five hundred years drags by in the silent motionless dreams of a blind caterpillar locked away as if forgotten till long after no recollection of the caterpillar I once was that lived a caterpillars life in a caterpillars world. Till finally my right antennae wiggles and I scream I can move! Then my view cracks and oh my god there is light I can see! The faint sounds of my outside world creep in with the awareness of its existence within my existence the song of birds make me sing so loud “oh caterpillar what is it you might really be!!!!!” Too much to take in and stuck in comprehensive shock and awe content in such miracles countless years pass in unfulfilled satisfaction this way. Till the fierce wind of severe storms blowing in around the space of which your broken, cracking, piece by piece falling apart cocoon occupies. You as the caterpillar you are hangs on for dear life in fear of your most certain demise. Crying and screaming begging “if there is something greater than me if there is a grand maker of me even just a parent of a caterpillar please save me! Don’t do this to me! don’t make me fall! I don’t wanna die!!!”
Lifetimes it seems could come and go passing by in stormy winds toturing you while away gone forever they fly. All the time you beg, plead and cry tears to fuel the storms rain that falls till flood and breathy winds whirl into f5 tonados blowing you about you slip the stick of the branch of an unshakable tree the size of a world. Panicked grasping at leaves screaming again, “please oh great expanse this little caterpillar only slightly some what aware of please show me a power greater than little insignificant caterpillar me! I’m begging is there more to this world than me anything at all that might save me! Bring me my maker I’m begging please save me!”
Exausted and defeated too dead to cry. Leaf after leaf not one of them could bear little catepillars hold as typhoon hurricanados wiped out all that surrounded the scared little caterpillar till finally the little caterpillar slipped it’s white knuckled grip lost to the wind. Wings flapping uncontrollably completely at the mercy of the elements… how tragic if the little caterpillar too dead to feel wings flapping erratically on its back, so tragic in fact the wind, rain, lightening and thunder of the storm that’s ending this caterpillars whole world shattering the view of little caterpillars self and all the caterpillar was sure little caterpillar knew they too begin to pray. The sound of sounds not it’s own awakens little unconscious caterpillar adrift lost in this most powerful storm the Caterpillar begins to feel the flapping of strange peculiar things attached to little caterpillars back. Of the caterpillars own accord starting to flap butterfly wings learning to fly and realizes oh dear God I am a butterfly!!!! The storm instantly fades skies clear the sun smiles warming the cold long dead wings as little caterpillar now a butterfly spreads it’s wings and finally flies.
No God may not have stepped in directly with his own mighty hand plucking the unaware little butterfly out of the storms the butterfly casted off in affliction was stuck suffering in but God knew the long overdue awareness that this little caterpillars coccoon long hatched for the butterfly to just test and question itself and it’s surroundings finding its own freedom among favorable cicircumstances. If it only believed in the ability to change… if only having faith transformation possible for anything living big or small caterpillar or not. Instead God had to be the storm to shake little caterpillar already a butterfly to fly. God’s faith in little caterpillar knowing it could and would fly so God did not give up on little caterpillar. God made the storm blow harder loving the butterfly so much to care enough about the butterfly that didn’t know it could fly, that didn’t know caterpillars could ever be butterflies capable to fly. God being whatever God had to be, God doing whatever it took forcing the transformed to finally spread their wings an fly.
For too long I was like that butterfly and through the acceptance of myself and who I truly was I found the faith to fly despite of my big bad storm. So through my own acceptance I found transformation realized who I was created to be all along just like the realization of the butterfly the caterpillar was created to be.
To do this the butterfly had to overcome the caterpillars stubborn ignorance and swallow the caterpillars made to make you choke pride and see past that blinding wanna shine brighter than the sun ego to finally be free and fly.
Through mankind’s acceptance of serpents and their true purpose we evolve and transform as universal beings God intended us to be. We too despite broken minds in breaking down bodies are destined for much more and created to fly. Humans can be like butterflies too if only serpents were like caterpillars but thank all Divine I never was a serpent or at least if I might have been I can not for the life of it remember.
Maybe few culturally diverse views of serpents representing wisdom have a very valid point. If unable to accept the serpent how could we truly accept ourselves as humanity as a whole? Accepting serpents is accepting ourselves the human race in its entirety.
Reborn… Resurrected, and by the grace of the Divine eight soon to be redeemed, connected and attached.
From salvation to redemption,
predeposition to post composition,
mindful Inquisiton to actual manifestation,
spiritual intuition to actual soulful interpretation
bringing forth heavenly revolution for the divine incarnation.
Detrimentally wrecking earthly institution reastablishing universal redirection of every last post mordem requisition.
Bringing more than the notion of inspiration but the solution to our pollution.
The conclusion of our evolution by our deeper than the ocean devotion to our source of creation and the Union of us as one civillazition joined in united aspiration under just one nation for our whole entire appirtion to finally find peaceful resolution in the sanctuary of eternal revelation of our realized divination in every last generation.
Ending segregation and erasing all mortal organization worldwide estabilation of divine intervention for the total domination of heaven’s law legalization.
The dilution and purification by immortal irrigation flooding eternal life water sinking our very foundation.
Egos imagination infraction once making us a fraction of our individualized faction but now the rationalization the sanction of such situation for the consideration in much more moderation the affection of skin that binds us within affliction in the tribulation of unjustified retribution that only the rejection of such abomination as a constitution of a Nation could bring about the restoration of admiration and love without condition to free us all of self condemnation for prosperous reconstruction of criticised split in two dissection without prior discussion requesting needed permission for such division more ridiculous than painful infant circumsision sacrificed for the sake of the mission.
It is my soul energy emission that brings about darkness’s remission allowing the humble submission required for Pangaea unison which our souls long to more than invision Gaia’s saving invasion despite indesicive inscision of flesh fueled decision to ignore apposing acquisition for freewill expedition.
Expulsion of mental implosion that is the exploitation of intoxication with subtle subconcious invocation for the apocolytical explosion bringing on a new horizon long foretold anticipation behold now is that occasion of chosen isaturation forever ending any detestation in our core separation that we have suffered such desperation in our complete and total devastation.
Loves long awaited proclamation no matter senseless miscommunication prolongation the accommodation of our set in stone preapproved prepared and perscribed application of our complete and total transformation of all our hearts socialisation indesicive misguided miscoded decoded discretion for the secretion of God’s description of whom we truly are at our initial creation sworn in oath through connection direction wise conversation.
We are compatible for the translation of the appropriate possession godly intersession here is the crossroads the intersection in our cosmos needed for light saturation.
We are our creators carefully derived preparation.
My souls upmost desire to meet heaven high expectation not ordered for my birthright hydration and our mother’s soul saving nutrition.
I am my mother’s child.
My father’s child.
I’m a star child.
My father the sun my mother the moon dream gone wild.
End my physical dysfunction.
Deserving am I for my mother’s loving reserving.
Tell me is that worth punishing?
Is it not worthy of divine appreciation an never taken advantage of gratification?
The belitilation of my mother’s sacrificial litigation mitigation in her undying motivation caused by our prosecution by a out of jurisdiction self empowered false judgment that uncalled for legal action for wrongful termination conviction by a fool’s definition unknown of the ability of stardust concoction that was my presentation for earth’s undivided attention to heavens fine detail in the grounded celestial navigation operation of a higher power’s correlation.
Hear me now claim my rightful position among what is now the Divine nine as much theirs as is all mine now it the time to reign my Divine now is the golden era of nine, nine and ten together again my time my bright light must shine never shadowed again understand the throne is yours plus mine.