Featured

Pieces or not this is me.

     Hello my name is Meghan Krueger. Im from texas but reside currently in Kansas.  Dont let that fool you though Kansas or not life is not all farms and cattle… Know what i mean? Peaches an cream neither.

     Many movies could be crafted from my insane life.  I myself am a beautiful disaster full of magic an tragic adventure and wonder. I dont know maybe the world could benefit some from getting to know me a bit better… Not just me but my inner me.

    My whole life i have been a writer…. I guess always bleeding with the need to express myself. Recently last year or so trying my creative mind to paint. I love to paint such a beautiful way to express much pain, love, an even joy.  I mean what would life be without them? With no heart?  Nothing at all I’d say.

     Anyway world take it easy on me. I hope the majority who view this blog enjoy an relate even. Be kind take your time.

Sincerely,                                                    Me.

 post

Advertisements

It’s complicated

If you could see me right now would you still think i was the strongest one you ever knew? When I’m lost all alone in another world in my own bedroom.

Wait is this even my room?

Who are you?

where am i?

How you you know me again? I thought maybe i knew you.

Who did they say i am? What did they think i did? No wait that ain’t me! Who did they really see? I don’t know who that could be let alone it being me.

Hold on what do you mean I’m doomed? Who said that?

You really wanna know where i was last night between the hours of ten an seven? As if you’d believe i spent the night locked outside of heaven next to a fire that was hell given. Its cool though i had no clue who i was by noon, forgot all about me but still I remember you.

Impossible did i really just cry? why? Are these even real tears or are they just my wont ever admit to fears?

No i don’t believe you all you do is lie…. You all do but so do I.

Tell me has the thought ever hit you all by itself making you ever question yourself at least once who’s the one i really lie to more here you or myself?

Admit it already! We only just fooling ourselves Meanwhile the kids raising themselves.

You really cant see how hard i tried? I’m for real just a ghost now like i died! I’m only dead now because i should be! What if it really had been me? So now I’m just zombified like I’m supposed to be!

That’s what i get though right? how dare i have the nerve to survive every night!

Really you sit there thinking there is seriously someone else? No way it could be just me over here merely Dr. Phillin myself?

What in the hell was that you just said? I’m sorry i cant seem to hear you over this war in my head!

What did i do now? Wait… how? Who? What? When? Where? Why? Is this an interrogation an all the sudden you a detective or is it you actually care.

Its just my emotions show you know and you wonder why… Because so an so just so happened to have made them all over flow quite some time ago on our way to nowhere. When all of a sudden this wild an reckless knife came out from somewhere tearing out my arteries then blamed it on the evenings chosen artillery. Didn’t even see it coming should have been expected though It was players choice of hell.

The ride on that pretty dreamy carousel only missionary to misery.

Loving me like we on opposing sides, I’m enemy military and home hostile territory. Under the bed bleeding love hides.

Baby i thought this was love not war… what are we fighting for?

Really there is no friend in girlfriend? You want to show me the strange in stranger, the anger in danger?

Forget life cant be had without wife and show me why husband ends with and?

We can ban and unban over an over again till we bend to your band and i break and you disband.

I found the end in friend its I before e except after seeing without you I’m so empty.

Solve the equation F+Y=X an give me that big F U minus the sex!

Take the joust fashioned from a jealous spouse stab it straight through the heart.

The knight only shines just to blind your eyes to win the game of make you mine like your the lucky one just chosen and gifted.

Then beat yourself against armor till at their feet you fall apart piece by piece. Mutated to the point DNA finally shifted.

You showed me the other in brother Like i wanted to see the benign schist lying in sister.

Taught me how a little u and a little L can put the fault in father But how with just a itty bitty dotted little I can put some faith right in an we don’t even bother.

Where you come from anyway? Around here there is no other in mother!

Tell me what is it with family anyway? Its only its familiar…. its I love u abbreviated. Worn out bonds amputated and inebriated.

We live to fight another day an wake up stuck in the same battle over an over. Warriors for the simple cause of loving one another.

Wait… What were we fighting about again? I’m sorry but i cant seem to recall right off hand. Didn’t this just happen an hour or so ago? Why is that exactly? Please don’t tell me… No it can not be? I’m utterly left insane abandoned in my own brain! I thought we covered this already. Its dark out here I’m blind. Hold on you said you’d wait for me! You knew i couldn’t see. This must be the new to me fault line you placed inside my mind.

Dammit not again i lost my sense of time once again! How long has it been? How much of me did you go through this time? Hey give that back that isn’t even mine!

You always swore one day you would replace all that was so carelessly misplaced way back when. You don’t even remember me then. Asking me damn man what happened to you? Whats wrong with your face?

I dropped out the rat race to pursue evading dreams in a high speed chase.

Whats this substance keeping me slipping? whats this terrain i keep stumbling on tripping?

They promised a flashlight and a shoulder… But showed up just to watch the struggle of another make believe solider.

You really shouldn’t make me loose my humble you really wouldn’t like me when I’m not humble.

Be the boulder that makes me crumble. The head of the atom bomb built to obliterate me to nuclear ash and radioactive dust. The tip of the the fatal iceberg that sinks me to the bottom to rot and rust.

You tossed out the still lit cigarette that burnt me alive like the still living old oak tree lost in dead leaves and scattered dry debris.

You think you might love me now you say your finally ready? Too little too late now you made our choice already.

I’m sorry i got so broken that now I’m just a vulnerable soul busted wide open humming songs of the forgotten to ensure silencing the pain had I used my voice.

Yet I give it all away easy despite my disguise, but no need to hide when no ones looking as i throw away the rest of me because you stole the best of me.

Oh you think its funny? Put your money where your mouth is like its just life for dummies.

I swore i thought for sure that on one of them last times on that one day in one of them years you actually really were once here.

Now what do i do?! Our virtual reality really is impossible to touch. Let alone influx!

All that waits for me now is that ol beat up hearse, but no need to stress in my distress, I wont be long and it wont take much.

The joke in life being after your gone death aint the worse. You will die before its over of course. It’s just the vast amount of torture that comes first.

So take your knife an do me the favor because my heart just cant hang, my fist wont bang! Ding ding ding the fight bell rang.

Wait slow down I need you to explain! You love me but you hate me, you need me you just don’t want me. You listen an can’t hear me, You want me to knock though you won’t let me in. I’m unfortunately that concept you cant seem to grasp an just don’t care none to ask.

Well how about this, are you willing to look at this mask? Is this one pretty enough? Does it make me look fat? Your sure this one doesn’t expose too much? Good we cant be having all that!

It don’t matter what you give up to live we must accept its not life that gives. It takes more than faith to believe. Proof doesn’t always mean truth.

You give me the chance to shoot for it but kept the gun and gave me the bullet. What sense does that even make? Come on now cant a beast catch a break?

I want to live dammit back off before my chest caves in! I want what tomorrow may bring! We were more than a tragic waste! Sorry what good in you i had to taste!

I don’t wanna die! Please don’t make me! Cant you just wrap me up in super glue an unbreak me already?

You made me busted and used can’t you undo it now make me brand new?

God please do not forsake me! There was no warning this was the route we were taking making that wrong turn on to that dead end road scared shaking. Unaware of our inevitable break down finding ourselves stuck in hell brewing. Stewing under the painful blanket we had been inadvertently sewing. You the thread, and I the stitching needle. Simmering us strapped to the bed we made baking in our endless flame burning.

Should’ve stayed off roads that allowed no U-turning keeping the course even when so crooked and narrow it seemed impossible to force.

Where it may have been paved only with good intention be sure to lay it with honest conviction.

We have no evolution or hold any peaceful resolution to the solution that is the problem that is clearly you an me.

So beat me to delete me… hurt me till I’m dirt… make me or break me already! What you waiting for kill me till its real! Numb it till i feel an then hurt me some more.

Leave me go on now be gone! Its time you move on now I’m sure. Allow me to excuse myself please here’s the fork and you can take your plate. You fed me what was aged an past the expire date. Best not leave the cup out either I shouldn’t ever come back here. Its not like you were staying forever neither. You really should get that all cleaned up before contamination sets in.

I am totally completely done in yet here I remain another day prepared to your liking all laid out for you still.

Well Isn’t that the way the it goes it may be all up to you but still against your will.

Love brings only pain, love leaves you in a storm not your own lost cold out in the rain.

You can be the condemning drain sucking up what could have been as it all gets washed away in vain.

I’ll bear the scar, you wear the blood stain.

Better yet baby you be the match I’ll be the tender lets just burn out on one final epic binder.

We can choke to death in the smoke of the glory that is our splendor. Where I’m sure you can torture me there forever.

.

Fairy Hell

When left out in the cold facing demons not my own I find there is no click of the heels in ruby red shoes to find your way back so far from home. The scarecrow seemed too quickly disintegrated as the cowardly lion involved slowly dissolved, the tin man only disentangled himself against his rusted never detoured will. Trusting the all knowing wizard of oz to just know to safely defuse an disarm the fortified so toto could dismantle an deface the condemning crystal ball disengaging what held the cursed fate that was a wicked witch’s wish for young Dorothy’s never too late tragic fall from grace.

The Cheshire cat dissipates whatever the smoking caterpillar peacefully secretes. A segregated substance induced chaos ever so slyly seeps within that mad hatter which he madly adores to absorb. He must insure that he alone evaporates the madness disguising all Wonderland’s not so wonderful secrets. The running with time, drop of a dime, stressed out, but dressed up white rabbit continued running late stumbling while he goes choking on bitter sweet memories no one knows as he inhales that all the while Alice takes it all in an forgetfully exhales. Yes I do believe she fears she’s gone mad… Mad from spontaneous combusting outbursts of simultaneous tears and laughter. That Inflating red queens big ugly head with infuriating vengeful fury at the fairytale known as happily ever after.
Just like belle brought beast back to humanity beast took beauty past the brink of insane inhumanity mutating beauty to a monstrous monstrosity. Feasting on beasts till so swollen in agony she succumbs to the elements standing still frozen in the cold she awaits that one lone soul brave enough to hold.
Oh Romeo oh Romeo why for art thou slay thyself Romeo? Fatefully actually ending the life of his sweet ever so fair maiden Juliet. In death no more do young star-crossed lovers ever again do fret. One more moment enduring thou despair an thus thou most wished for happy ending was ours to forever share. oh how love and life can tragically be so unfair.
Bonnie and Clyde y’all two was just sadly mistaken bad to the bone lack to educate. That pretty lil gal Bonnie so ignorantly misled but its best to leave well enough alone and leave sleeping dogs where they lie. Ain’t scared to say it, said it then, and I’ll say it now it’s not ride till you die.. real true love whether in this life or another is forever ride or die.
Now as fate would have it to whom the one that smiled and inspired the troubled. The one that just to save a life her strength would grow doubled. The heart that loved so big till it bursted like a bubble must now be rescued herself. Involuntarily seclusion in desolate desperation searching for her love and committed unconditioned contentment. Whoever gave her that little piece of serenity an proved the dream come true that is serendipity. This has gotta be… It must be life’s cruel punishment for my regretful lack of atonement. No hero awaits to spare her own ultimate untimely spiraling downward catastrophic demise.

How you can save everyone else… could it be you can not save yourself. I realize now wise eyes lie to hide fatal wounds where there lies hurting truth inside cracks and crevices in which heartache looms, below doomed to pieces resides a broken forsaken heart. In the end completely torn apart, limb from limb, bit by bit. On your own whim she suffered till the last minute. Beware if you dare above the sworn tale told of she who be so bold held love beyond its limit.

Come hither weary wanderer rest awhile if thee wish to hearken an epic tale thus surely if even only for a moment might have thou waiting to exhale. One certainly unlike another rendition of Homer’s Odyssey nor varied replication of the Epic Of Gilgamesh, nor likened to tales of Hercules. Instead a very different tale indeed, the greatest of all stories in all history. No, not one of only tragic an more woe, though also courage and truth surely unfolds as muse use prose to expose this actual factual telling of the ruse that was the Earth’s great deluge.

Long ago in a place and time known only by ones soul lived our original selves up untill the time an ever so fateful event occurred effecting every living thing within the world. Still as of yet incapable to recall exactly what caused our untimely ghastly fall grasping any sort of accuracy. Leaves the mind to wonder what horror could have befallen this explaining the many morbid tales conjured by man’s imaginations to tempted his own temptations, ye might realize what it is thou hears is more than mere wind rustling through leaves but perhaps it be salvation. Indeed what it is thee maybe hearing is faint echoes of ancient truths now mere whispers of once was reminding us something lingers in our mist demanding to be remembered.

Figuring it the reason of our disfigurement most try not to pry yet some steadily ever search committed in their crusade endlessly seeking that hidden till forgotten truth keeping humanity irrevocably hindered. Be it as of yet thy have thus far been succumbed by sorrow completely cumbersome. Thou art would so too become undone as well when ye lost thine own self amidst oblivion. Innumerable centuries carried on this way till the day thy realized movement had ceased low and behold waking from such accoma like sleep thy found thine own self created hell. Trapped within time accursed with a self induced amnesic condition which held thy bound to a sickening chair of forgetfulness.

Thyself among other few lone survivors ventured out upon this mysterious unheard vastness surveying where we had ended up coming to. Still aching from the internal emptiness we began filling the void with lingering memories of what we we’re sure we remembered. Slowly as ground formed with grass at our feet, wind brushing our cheek, and the warmth of the sun upon our skin, no longer we could ignore being afraid. Burdened by the heaviness home might be nevermore resulted in the unintentional inception of this creation known in this modern day world thy must admit now undoubtedly as it twas hells conception.

As we perilously wandered this dense dreary plane alone we pondered hence which it was keeping us so far beneath heaven. Being as such suffering from the lack of remembering it twas not long the initial figuring of if hell twas now where we were forced to dwell then demons and devils we shall be each of us partaking in the inventing of what thee know of as evil. Concealing cleverly disguised levels purposed for the sake of our own hidden agony layer by layer we buried our fatal affliction thickening it when needed so as to ensure the separation from our anguish but to no avail still did we travail. Seemingly reaching a certain precipice of falling into an endless cascading further descent deeper into the darkness where circumventing light concocted nightmarish things, commited unimaginable deeds. Ironically the every bit good thy once were unwillingly transmuted to every bit bad hell bent on the worse.

Verily so one might assume subsequent teemingly countless reincarnations came to pass before becoming aware in the fact that life has this ripple effect quality which locks what made them into an unavoidable cyclical place. The blissful ignorance of anything more than a blink of an eye mere life in the face of eternal existence among all which is soul; oblivious to the fact of being anything beyond skin and bone. As if a type of reset of my essential being goodness slowly that good began surfacing as thy lived and died a few times. Up untill an extraordinary lifetime enflicted such affliction tapping into thine own core reaching deep to ancient hurt and ancient truth. A mystical fire hence burned untill more soul than flesh more spirit than bone. When it seems presumably at it’s darkest is where light is when thou think thou have only finally hit the bottom ye may by taken a look around find thou art at the top. What if taking the time to speculate if thee will the sum of what could be likened to a long timely much drawn out eclipse. The most timely as such an eclipse of the soul.

Generation by generation slowly light

Time To Go

It’s only ever true when I’m lonely.

It’s only ever right on cold storming nights.

I’m sorry for the way I’ll never love you the way you want me to.

Baby it’s time you should know that maybe it’s time to let each other go.

It’s not like I ever wished to lie but you were always there and I was always high.

I started this out showing just what I was about.

I told you healing is what I needed I was more than damaged but a burning fire of heaping wreckage.

Baby I swear I never wanted you to hurt but when you play with fire your gunna get burnt.

I told you not to stay I even pushed you away untill the day you said you earned it and I was like hell alright you just might be right.

Still I will say it again

It’s only ever true when I’m lonely.

It’s only ever right on cold storming nights.

I’m sorry for the way I’ll never love you the way you want me to.

But baby you need to know it’s past the time we let each other go.

Crazy a few nights some drugs and a few beers all the sudden it’s now a few years. I shed more tears seeing how life has passed me by and I wasted more time living a lie.

Trying not to hurt you I really hurt me.

How many times I said it already.

It’s only ever true when I’m lonely.

It’s only ever right on cold storming nights.

I can’t be sorry for the way I’ll never love you the way you want me to.

Now you know time to let me go.

A Real American Legacy

The year was 1915 and the first world war was only about half of what I was struggling the same could be said for the majority of the country. I think all us might have been unwilling to fight in a world at war. I still couldn’t tell you what it is all those people died for. You see I had just met the girl of my dreams right before being drafted and enlisted in the Marines. Not only me but all my friends, shoot all us boys from town even. Many of us not all that much over eighteen. We were all caught up in the middle stuck in between or so at least that’s how it seemed. Such god awful things I had to see over seas untill the day I was hit by shrapnel in the knee. How everyday away I longed for home had I have known bloody holes blown right through me was my way back home I would have shot me just to get back to your sweet great granny who ever so patiently was waiting for me hell most days it seemed it was thoughts of her were the only thing which kept me going. When asked about my time served I’d just sigh and nod uttering not a word of what I observed just cracking some joke how they all should feel ever so lucky I had survived or none of y’all would be alive the only one who never rolled their eyes at me saying that was my son your grandfather.

Back in oh I say spring of 44 i asked your grandmother to marry me right before being drafted in the second world war. I made lieutenant by that following summer. I would send letter after letter till the day I thought they thought they were all off better. One day soon after a stack a mile high of letters finally found their way to me. It had been oh I say almost a year or so since I had heard anything. I received news I was a father happy and yet nervous I was to know I’d be going home a father but ever happier to know I had not been forgotten. Her father I feared might keep me forsaken or more worse farsake her. I better get my hyde to high tailing it back home I reckoned. Make a honest woman out of who in my eyes was already my wife the one I always knew was it for me sadly what had happened that next night behind enemy lines hostile forces took my life. Now I’m a haunted ghost haunting trying ever so hard to be as an angel guarding. If only she could hear me now id say I’m so sorry you were right we should have just eloped that day before you will both never know just how much in death I love you so much more.

It was 1960 I was fixing to graduate college with a bachelors degree in agricultural science your mother and me had just gotten married I had just turned twenty three when we learned of your mother’s pregnancy. That very afternoon a draft card came in the mail with yup you guessed it my damn name on it. From something to nothing in the fucking us army. Those god forsaken wretched gooks it don’t matter what we did to them I swear to you they were often worse to each other. Just where you think we got it from anyhow? Now in order to cope I must drink and use dope. After one of my episodes you won’t catch me home for a few days or maybe even a week otherwise my wife and kid might not have left hardly any cheek. God deep down I hate being this way but sadly I guess truth is I’m just weak and lost a chunk of my humanity somewhere over seas.

Stupid old man I’ll show him he thinks he’s so tough like the army is so rough. Acts as though he earned the right to be a hard ass American asshole. One day I’m gonna grow up I’ll prove him wrong, I’ll be so strong. he was a solider so I’ll be a Navy seal! I’ll go on missions and lead expeditions and guess what I’ll show him you don’t gotta be a drunk that beats your wife and kid cause of your service to your country.

It’s the year 1990 now it’s junior here gearing up for war. Dad passed that year before from kidney failure and liver disease slowly killed himself it appeard. Not before watching his boy though with living a happy life with a wife and son of his own that he don’t ever mistreat none. As well as a successful military career. Now he is willingly over seas a gulf war major in the middle of a really major war zone and while saving another here comes flying in a grenade not even a foot away junior here gets blown away. With his blood soaking in the desert sand his fore father’s come beside him to the other side they lead him. They know his father failed him so must have his father then his father and even that father too. I guess war really can change a man like a mutated gene passed down and then enhanced with more war generation by generation worsening as it goes on down through the bloodline. From the ones that never would to now the one that will feel as though he should being that his daddy died an accomplished war hero fighting on the frontline. Nothing like make the dead dad proud syndrome. Now what do you know it’s 2004 juniors little junior here of course off at war killing radical Muslim turned terrorists while hunting their leader Osama bin laden when all the sudden his battalion runs up on a claymore. While bleeding out with his guts out on the floor he cries for his girl back home knowing she’s gonna be bringing his son into the world alone.

Its hard to know just how long this could go on especially when this son here could grow up enough to go die in battle not before planting a seed though I’m sure an now it matters not son or daughter can carry on this bloody legacy. Listen hard enough in the dead silence you can hear dead father’s screaming to be heard pleading for just a word if only for moment you’d only just listen. You know not a time has gone by now for over a century we have not been at war so what’s that tell you this country will always find more but at what cost to you and your children and your children’s children and even their children too. If only this could point of view could be passed down untill then we’re right here the ones that came before you to make sure no more kin ever die alone off in some foreign land ever again. Maybe one day war might stop enough to break this cycle then together we can all return home and pass through the gates of heaven. It’s ok it hasn’t happened but hopefully in the next generation.

D.I.D Disassociative Identity Disorder

I know this woman whose smile lights up the dimmest of rooms. Who goes above and beyond for friends an those she loves. Whom you would never assume parts of her were so gloom and so doom.

Everyday I see her fumble so many of others errands, chores, and struggles that she stumbles as she goes as if running a rat race to please everyone. A race which we all should know can never be won. I watch her embark on all these different endeavors juggling the demmands of others an I wander what is it that drives her to feel the need to fill all these people’s many needs? What about her needs though? Does anyone ever offer her any help? Does she ever think about herself? Is she left to handle hers all alone? If she even gets to focus on any her own?

You would never guess past her bright amazing gorgeous smile with all her kind loving generosity hiding inside her all the while there is a her that feels as though she’s dying.

Alters her life are living.

There is one who don’t just hate her but hates everything and everyone whom sadly is so inconsolable in all her sorrow her weeping never wavering. As well as this raging violent one who’s anger happens to be so fiercely uncontrollable that herself she can’t refrain from beating whether it being physically or mentally. As well as another wishing nothing more than to have loads of fun by any means necessary who can’t resist always loving living life and loving everyone, and then yet one more still who no matter what believes is never clean who swears she is so disgusting despite countless attempts convincing her otherwise does nothing.

I care about her I do… I have tried I most certainly have it’s true but her O.C.D is so demanding and her altered co-conciousness so partiquilarly varied it’s like I never get it right I’m only in the way or I’ll never just get it even if I might.

To know the root cause of such illness could really leave a feeling of deep pain and bitterness contemplating the tragedy of such an atrocity. It dares to expose the devil and just exactly what work against goodness he really does. Because not only her and those who love her robbed of her potentially amazing life changing capability but the world left that much more darkened still with that much less light because the devil knew one day she would be too bright so evil dimmed her shine by adding other faces dividing her light refracting it from other places.

Maybe her mother should have protected her more, maybe goodness could have kept her better guarded you might implore. Or the poor girl could adapt you know humans survive out of their resillence though it’s only due to her unwillingness I’m sure you may dare say. What if then though I said that actually If only humanity would take less delight in all which is evil, acted with more humility and didn’t leave themselves so susceptible to the devil then maybe just maybe long ago good God almighty would have had God’s way already. Sadly untill then though the best of us are torn apart and split in two. This truth undoubtedly breaks my heart…. How about you?

A True Lovers Testimony

I’d cut my soul into a million tiny different pieces just to form constellations to light your way safely home, to our own little piece of kingdom come.

I’d write love notes to all the parts of you that you can’t stand till you learned to love them too under my loving hand.

I’m the diligent whisper which echoes within the shadows of your heart insisting I am not afraid of your dark.

I knew from the moment our eyes first met you were the only one I’d ever wish to share my life with.

Forever and always unconditionally.

Infinite and eternal most certainly.

The one on my mind every second of all the time.

Even before the slightest clue ever dawned on me ever at all that living life without you is no life at all, as this thought resonates through my head while lying in bed each night.

Once again kept apart, dying to make it all alright.

But you my darling are the treasure of my heart!

The lingering shine of your amazing smile still continues to light up my dark.

The echos of your sweet voice still slice through my calloused chest straight to the the piece of me that knows you best.

You are the total definition of all that is beauty.

Your memory ravages my sanity as our memories sweetly torture me entirely.

The walls of my mind play all that is us like scenes from my most favorite movie.

I loved you as hot as the burning Sun yesterday, I love you as soothing as the cool new moon today, I will love you with all that is our universe till all our God given tomorrow’s become only fading yesterday’s.

In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

In the lacking of poor and the bounty of wealth.

My love, till death do we part.

Even then a love like ours knows no end!

Fortunately for us in my soul resides my heart, and you my most dearest closest friend and lover of mine reign supreme in what of me will live for all eternity.

You will always be with me.

That is only if you always wish to be.