It’s complicated

If you could see me right now would you still think i was the strongest one you ever knew? When I’m lost all alone in another world in my own bedroom.

Wait is this even my room?

Who are you?

where am i?

How you you know me again? I thought maybe i knew you.

Who did they say i am? What did they think i did? No wait that ain’t me! Who did they really see? I don’t know who that could be let alone it being me.

Hold on what do you mean I’m doomed? Who said that?

You really wanna know where i was last night between the hours of ten an seven? As if you’d believe i spent the night locked outside of heaven next to a fire that was hell given. Its cool though i had no clue who i was by noon, forgot all about me but still I remember you.

Impossible did i really just cry? why? Are these even real tears or are they just my wont ever admit to fears?

No i don’t believe you all you do is lie…. You all do but so do I.

Tell me has the thought ever hit you all by itself making you ever question yourself at least once who’s the one i really lie to more here you or myself?

Admit it already! We only just fooling ourselves Meanwhile the kids raising themselves.

You really cant see how hard i tried? I’m for real just a ghost now like i died! I’m only dead now because i should be! What if it really had been me? So now I’m just zombified like I’m supposed to be!

That’s what i get though right? how dare i have the nerve to survive every night!

Really you sit there thinking there is seriously someone else? No way it could be just me over here merely Dr. Phillin myself?

What in the hell was that you just said? I’m sorry i cant seem to hear you over this war in my head!

What did i do now? Wait… how? Who? What? When? Where? Why? Is this an interrogation an all the sudden you a detective or is it you actually care.

Its just my emotions show you know and you wonder why… Because so an so just so happened to have made them all over flow quite some time ago on our way to nowhere. When all of a sudden this wild an reckless knife came out from somewhere tearing out my arteries then blamed it on the evenings chosen artillery. Didn’t even see it coming should have been expected though It was players choice of hell.

The ride on that pretty dreamy carousel only missionary to misery.

Loving me like we on opposing sides, I’m enemy military and home hostile territory. Under the bed bleeding love hides.

Baby i thought this was love not war… what are we fighting for?

Really there is no friend in girlfriend? You want to show me the strange in stranger, the anger in danger?

Forget life cant be had without wife and show me why husband ends with and?

We can ban and unban over an over again till we bend to your band and i break and you disband.

I found the end in friend its I before e except after seeing without you I’m so empty.

Solve the equation F+Y=X an give me that big F U minus the sex!

Take the joust fashioned from a jealous spouse stab it straight through the heart.

The knight only shines just to blind your eyes to win the game of make you mine like your the lucky one just chosen and gifted.

Then beat yourself against armor till at their feet you fall apart piece by piece. Mutated to the point DNA finally shifted.

You showed me the other in brother Like i wanted to see the benign schist lying in sister.

Taught me how a little u and a little L can put the fault in father But how with just a itty bitty dotted little I can put some faith right in an we don’t even bother.

Where you come from anyway? Around here there is no other in mother!

Tell me what is it with family anyway? Its only its familiar…. its I love u abbreviated. Worn out bonds amputated and inebriated.

We live to fight another day an wake up stuck in the same battle over an over. Warriors for the simple cause of loving one another.

Wait… What were we fighting about again? I’m sorry but i cant seem to recall right off hand. Didn’t this just happen an hour or so ago? Why is that exactly? Please don’t tell me… No it can not be? I’m utterly left insane abandoned in my own brain! I thought we covered this already. Its dark out here I’m blind. Hold on you said you’d wait for me! You knew i couldn’t see. This must be the new to me fault line you placed inside my mind.

Dammit not again i lost my sense of time once again! How long has it been? How much of me did you go through this time? Hey give that back that isn’t even mine!

You always swore one day you would replace all that was so carelessly misplaced way back when. You don’t even remember me then. Asking me damn man what happened to you? Whats wrong with your face?

I dropped out the rat race to pursue evading dreams in a high speed chase.

Whats this substance keeping me slipping? whats this terrain i keep stumbling on tripping?

They promised a flashlight and a shoulder… But showed up just to watch the struggle of another make believe solider.

You really shouldn’t make me loose my humble you really wouldn’t like me when I’m not humble.

Be the boulder that makes me crumble. The head of the atom bomb built to obliterate me to nuclear ash and radioactive dust. The tip of the the fatal iceberg that sinks me to the bottom to rot and rust.

You tossed out the still lit cigarette that burnt me alive like the still living old oak tree lost in dead leaves and scattered dry debris.

You think you might love me now you say your finally ready? Too little too late now you made our choice already.

I’m sorry i got so broken that now I’m just a vulnerable soul busted wide open humming songs of the forgotten to ensure silencing the pain had I used my voice.

Yet I give it all away easy despite my disguise, but no need to hide when no ones looking as i throw away the rest of me because you stole the best of me.

Oh you think its funny? Put your money where your mouth is like its just life for dummies.

I swore i thought for sure that on one of them last times on that one day in one of them years you actually really were once here.

Now what do i do?! Our virtual reality really is impossible to touch. Let alone influx!

All that waits for me now is that ol beat up hearse, but no need to stress in my distress, I wont be long and it wont take much.

The joke in life being after your gone death aint the worse. You will die before its over of course. It’s just the vast amount of torture that comes first.

So take your knife an do me the favor because my heart just cant hang, my fist wont bang! Ding ding ding the fight bell rang.

Wait slow down I need you to explain! You love me but you hate me, you need me you just don’t want me. You listen an can’t hear me, You want me to knock though you won’t let me in. I’m unfortunately that concept you cant seem to grasp an just don’t care none to ask.

Well how about this, are you willing to look at this mask? Is this one pretty enough? Does it make me look fat? Your sure this one doesn’t expose too much? Good we cant be having all that!

It don’t matter what you give up to live we must accept its not life that gives. It takes more than faith to believe. Proof doesn’t always mean truth.

You give me the chance to shoot for it but kept the gun and gave me the bullet. What sense does that even make? Come on now cant a beast catch a break?

I want to live dammit back off before my chest caves in! I want what tomorrow may bring! We were more than a tragic waste! Sorry what good in you i had to taste!

I don’t wanna die! Please don’t make me! Cant you just wrap me up in super glue an unbreak me already?

You made me busted and used can’t you undo it now make me brand new?

God please do not forsake me! There was no warning this was the route we were taking making that wrong turn on to that dead end road scared shaking. Unaware of our inevitable break down finding ourselves stuck in hell brewing. Stewing under the painful blanket we had been inadvertently sewing. You the thread, and I the stitching needle. Simmering us strapped to the bed we made baking in our endless flame burning.

Should’ve stayed off roads that allowed no U-turning keeping the course even when so crooked and narrow it seemed impossible to force.

Where it may have been paved only with good intention be sure to lay it with honest conviction.

We have no evolution or hold any peaceful resolution to the solution that is the problem that is clearly you an me.

So beat me to delete me… hurt me till I’m dirt… make me or break me already! What you waiting for kill me till its real! Numb it till i feel an then hurt me some more.

Leave me go on now be gone! Its time you move on now I’m sure. Allow me to excuse myself please here’s the fork and you can take your plate. You fed me what was aged an past the expire date. Best not leave the cup out either I shouldn’t ever come back here. Its not like you were staying forever neither. You really should get that all cleaned up before contamination sets in.

I am totally completely done in yet here I remain another day prepared to your liking all laid out for you still.

Well Isn’t that the way the it goes it may be all up to you but still against your will.

Love brings only pain, love leaves you in a storm not your own lost cold out in the rain.

You can be the condemning drain sucking up what could have been as it all gets washed away in vain.

I’ll bear the scar, you wear the blood stain.

Better yet baby you be the match I’ll be the tender lets just burn out on one final epic binder.

We can choke to death in the smoke of the glory that is our splendor. Where I’m sure you can torture me there forever.

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